i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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