I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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