why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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