He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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