you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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