Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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