I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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