I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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