if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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