I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
