My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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