just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I cockslap morals
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
