If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
