I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Dick very happy bro
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