Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
