i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
So squirting runs in the family.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
