Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
