is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
