WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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