i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
