How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
