Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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