How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
