Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
