Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
