you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
