whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
