There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
