I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
