I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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