she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Randomize
