Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
