I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
