He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
