3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
