I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
