Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
