you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
