i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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