the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
