I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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