What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
