What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
