soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
