I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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