How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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