I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
