Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The power of my boobs compel you
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
