my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
