I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
